Beware the fine print!

Apr 23, 2009

Editor's note: Jimmy Earll (not his real name) is a practicing dentist in Northern California and a stand-up comic who performs all over North America. His column, Laughing Gas, appears regularly on the DrBicuspid.com advice and opinion page, Second Opinion.

The story I am about to tell you is true. It happened my first month out of dental school, as an associate in Phoenix. To be honest, nothing could have prepared me for it. Not dental school, not internships, not externships -- no 'ships of any kind, for that matter.

It was the middle of a sweltering July in the Arizona desert. Everybody was wearing shorts, and my patient, Ms. X, was no exception. In fact, her shorts were exceptionally short.

Ms. X was in her early 40s, in good health, and needed a crown on No. 30. The afternoon of her appointment, I could tell she was under the influence of ... well, I wasn't sure what, but something. She responded normally to all my questions and did not admit to taking any kind of drug -- legal or otherwise -- but my spidey sense was tingling nonetheless.

We were 30 minutes into the procedure when I heard what sounded like an old Chevy motor giving out. But the sound wasn't coming from an automobile -- it was coming from Ms. X and her very short shorts. She had just "lost control," as it were -- all over herself and the dental chair!

With a shriek and four leaps, she was in the restroom, leaving a trail of, well ... let's just say a trail, all the way down the hallway.

My assistant and I stared at each other in shock. Finally, she asked, "Are you gonna clean that up?"

"Me?!?" I replied. "I was wondering when YOU were gonna clean it up!"

She shook her head emphatically. "Not in my contract."

"I can almost guarantee it's not in mine either," I said. I quickly pulled out my contract, which I always carry in my back pocket, and recited:

Article 1, section 1.1: Company engages Dentist and Dentist accepts engagement with Company, to render professional dentistry services to the patients of Company as determined by Company in its sole discretion, in the manner and to the extent permitted by Arizona law and any canons of professional ethics applicable to dentists generally. The Dentist shall at all times comply with the standards of dental practice and with applicable statutes, rules, and regulations of any and all governmental authorities relating to the licensure and regulation of dentists.

My assistant quickly pulled out her contract and rebutted:

Article 3, section 2.3: A Dental Assistant will perform such basic supportive dental procedures of the following under the general supervision and direct supervision of a licensed dentist 1) Operation of dental radiographic equipment for the purpose of oral radiography. 2) Examine orthodontic appliances. 3) Apply nonaerosol and noncaustic topical agents. 4) Remove postextraction and periodontal dressings. 5) Placement and removal of orthodontic separators. 6) Extraoral duties or functions specified by the supervising dentist.

Ah ha! She looked up at me -- her supervising dentist -- and knew what she had to do.

Thank you, Jesus!!

The moral of the story?

Dental contract due diligence prevents misunderstandings. And most important, be cautious when working around muscle relaxants.

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