Fighting well with others

Jul 18, 2010

Editor's note: The Coaches Corner column appears regularly on the DrBicuspid.com advice and opinion page, Second Opinion.

In my last coaching article, I wrote about the importance of creating a structure that was selfless, one that emphasized the collective. In other words, to be an office where the operative pronoun is "we." For that to happen, we need to have structures that develop a sense of mutual freedom of expression, mutual trust, and mutual respect.

I know deep in your heart you're wondering if the ego-driven individuals that you work with -- you know, normal people -- will be able to regularly subjugate themselves to the greater good. In this generation of targeted marketing, social networking, iPhones, and a glorious plethora of products aimed at glorious me me me me, how can any group of people ever play well with another?

Well, I would pose another question: How well do you fight with one another?

Let's face it: We're all occasionally guilty of thoughts and behaviors that are mean, unkind, even sometimes downright nasty. In our office, we work hard at being kind and appreciative, but people are occasionally moody, emotional buttons are pressed -- and bingo -- all of a sudden we are fighting.

If our office has serious disagreements, we resolve them in our twice-weekly staff meetings. Frequent staff meetings are essential to prevent issues from festering and potentially exploding. And although the facilitator and staff are emotionally mature people, sometimes feelings get bruised and need to be aired. The beauty of our structure is that it allows for release.

Last week I noticed that one of our staff members was wearing sandals, a violation of our dress code. Every staff member is required to wear black Crocs. I asked what the deal was. I thought I said it gently but it was obviously not heard that way. The sandaled staff member had just had a terrible commute that morning and was in no mood to be criticized for being out of uniform.

"I always wear my Crocs," she said.

"That's a crock," I said with a smile, trying to turn it into a joke. "You aren't wearing them now!"

"I was going to change into them before you attacked me," she said, her voice rising.

Business continued, and a few moments later we apologized to one another.

This almost sounds too ordinary to take note of, but in fact most disagreements begin with things just as insubstantial as Crocs before they escalate.

I maintain that not only can you have a fight and come out the other side none the worse for it, but that you must be able to fight, in a civilized and respectful way. As long as it is done without viciousness, the office will be more authentic and happier and -- you guessed it -- more efficient and profitable. No elephants will be in the room.

Open, honest, authentic, and emotionally mature behavior are our goals. When we fall short, we say our piece, stew, apologize, discuss, and move on. By this time we have given up the battle to be right. A crucial step toward harmony is accepting (and expecting) human imperfection. The better we learn to deal with our darker sides, the clearer we'll see the sun.

Alan Goldstein, D.M.D., F A.C.D., is a member of the Dental Coaches Association, an organization of dentists and professional coaches who are committed to bringing professional coaching to the dental profession. Learn more by visiting www.dentalcoachesassociation.org.

The comments and observations expressed herein do not necessarily reflect the opinions of DrBicuspid.com, nor should they be construed as an endorsement or admonishment of any particular idea, vendor, or organization.